you're a mystery yourself

30 May, 2008

9:26 PM

I don't feel like myself lately... I think since a little before Chinese 'O's. Initially i thought my weak body was lethargic and all, but i just feel different. Everyday, i seem to be in a trance or a dream, maybe. I walk around with a pale face and panda eyes, not wanting to do anything, or being my usual cheerful self bcos i can't find the strength to. Maybe it's bcos i'm afraid that ppl would start judging me again. Maybe for once, i just have the need to be someone else. Maybe...not?

I want to be with someone i can relate with. Someone whom i would also stand by with if he needs me. Someone that wouldn't flare if i showed my anger bcos he knows i need to let go. Someone who would lend a listening ear and speak when he knows i need comfort. Someone who doesn't discriminate me. Someone who knows my flaws but does not list them out bcos he knows i'm not perfect, and can accept me as who i am; who loves me as i am.

I don't need you to help, just be there next to me.
I don't need your comfort, just listen.
I don't need you to worry, just be patient.
I don't need you to cry with me, just be tolerant.
I don't need you to be like me, just be yourself.

Hmm... Some friends come to me and rant abt things that happen to them. I've heard that they just feel comfortable telling me things bcos they know i can understand, and even if i don't, i can make them feel better abt themselves and life. That's all right. I do love helping others. But when it comes to my time of need, when i rly need ppl to listen, some just acknowledge that okay, i'm having problems. They don't bother finding out what the problem is or hearing me out. It's not that i want a return for what i give, but some friends call me a 'friend', but it turns out the term "friend" is just a label and nth more than that... Well, i guess everyone has their own lives to live, so i shld keep my mouth shut.

What i rly hate is that i put my feelings too much into the other party's problems and not consider my own first. I HATE IT. I mean, i alr got a lot to handle. Why shld i over estimate myself and think that i can take it? I'm so childish, and unthinkably FOOLISH. I hate being gullible and falling into the hands of predators who knows they can use me. Yet, i can't stop them.

Blah!

Oh, and now when i'm given something to do, i do it. I usually do tuition homework the last minute, but i'm doing it days before the tuition starts now. I used to go to a particular blog everyday, but i've stopped. I got no idea why.

My dreams... I'm having a lot of dreams in one, like 5-in-1 or smth. Seriously, i could get ideas from my dreams. They're beautiful, but sadly, unreal. I wake up thinking that i must rmb them cos i rly want to blog abt some unusual dreams but after a few mins, i forgot abt them. Whatever i say to ppl, i forget them as soon as i say it. Gah.

*Sigh*

I log in MSN but i don't feel like talking. I guess it's a habit to go online...to check for a particular name...to be somewhr the rest of the world is. Even so, i think if i get to talk to that person again, i won't feel like talking no matter how much i want to, cos i don't know what to say. I don't want to sputter bad stuff and let him worry. I don't want to act like i'm happy and in turn not show my true feelings. But then again, i shld at least try to be happy. Yea.

Don't worry, be happy ^^V

You know...when i'm down, ppl are usually the ones who make me happy again. Bcos when i somehow make ppl laugh or smile then, it makes me happy for them to be happy. And at the same time, i'll be happy too if they try making me happy, bcos i know they still care (:

♥ loves.